and we're still not getting out of bed.
The Kind of Day We are Having
It's a cold, gray, and an exhaustively slow day. So I am going to stay in bed, snuggled up warmly, though not as warmly as Newby, and watch Sherlock. Happy Monday.
Happy? Not Really... but I'm Breathing
My girlfriend told me the other day to concentrate on breathing. So today I am concentrating on breathing in and out, and drinking a Moka Josie made from ingredients from Lexington Tea and Coffee. Does it make me happy? Not really, but it's so hot I don't have to remember breathing... I need the cool Kentucky air to make my burnt tongue feel better.
So I Go to the Doctor...
I went to the doctor today. First appointment of the day. I told her, without a few thousand tears, what was going on with me. And....
She gave me a medicine and said "Well, if you want to see a therapist, just check with your insurance about what they cover, but remember it's a new year, time for change" or something along that lines. Basically "here is a pill, buck up little camper."
My problems can't be fixed with a pill. Though they can help me not be so desperate.
My problems can't be fixed with the start of a new year. Though it can give me an opportunity to make amends.
My problems can't be fixed with change... if I don't know what I am changing.
I keep remembering something from West Wing, my favorite TV Show ever.
What I need is that friend who can help lead me out. But I'm afraid the friend that I depended on, the one I loved, the only one who I could and did count on, was the one I hurt the most in all of this.
I'm afraid I'm going to be in this hole forever, because no one knows the way out.
2014
A lot of you mentioned the new year and the optimism that a new start would and could happen. It's important to start a new year with the right attitude. Hell, it's important to start each day with the right attitude. This is where I'm struggling right now.
My feelings shuffle between anger to confusion to bargaining to despondency to nothing at all. I'm pretty much sure those are all the signs of grief. I guess it's normal. Any change or loss of any kind affects the mood, the spirit.
My best friend sent me a picture yesterday. Did it change my mood? Make me cry less? Change my attitude? Not really in the way she intended, I guess. I was actually amazed I got it at all. You see with Verizon I rarely could access my voice mail or receive picture messages until I got into town. Christmas day Reed and I changed to Sprint because Verizon was being a pain.
So here I lie in bed, crying, and I get a message... and it's a picture. I didn't look at the picture, more than just the thumbnail, for a while. I simply looked at the screen dumbfounded. I was floored that a simple change in plans would cause my phone to work like everyone else.
A change in plans... that is what I need to just deal for the next little bit. I don't think I can deal with this alone. This is my normal MO. I get upset, hurt, mad, and I cut myself off from everyone. Then I make poor decisions because I am listening to a heart full of pain with a brain lonely for attention. I think I need help. I think instead of being an island I need someone helping me. If even, for today, in the way her picture shows.
Happy New Year, happy new attitude, to me.
Thank You.
Thank you for your kind words, phone calls, emails and texts. You made my heart hurt less, which makes my brain able to think rationally.
I was naive, childish, and gullible, not listening to my head when faced with truth. I do not plan to be so foolish again.
I appreciate your friendship and thoughtfulness.
Foolish
This isn't really a post to be commented on. It probably isn't a post you even would want to read. If you want to just stop reading now, I understand.
I am an idiot. I did something so ignorant that I cannot even bear to think about it. It is beyond embarrassment. It is well beyond something that I would have thought was so out of character that I cannot believe I not only started doing it but I continued.
I hurt myself.
I hurt my family.
I found out I really do not have the friends I thought I did.
I hurt others who I do not even know.
Why? Because I am stupid. I wanted something so much that I would have done anything, moved any mountain, sold anything I own, lied to everyone, been someone I do not even recognize, to obtain this idyllic place.
And, it was all a mirage! Ha. That is the kicker. I knew it was probably a one act play, but I still played along, waiting for the standing ovation at the end. Instead I was merely an audience member watching someone else acting with me as the dupe in the audience.
I know this is vague. I know it makes no sense to more than a handful of people on the Earth, but I had to write this, in an area which is my own and private, to chastise myself on my foolishness, and to make myself accountable that I'll never allow anything like this to happen again. Even if I have to not have friends or anyone close to me again, I'll never allow myself to be here, in this wretched place of unhappiness and pain.
Today hug yourself. Give yourself some love, some encouragement that you are going to be ok no matter how bad the present seems. I'm going to do likewise, and pray that I really am going to be fine.
