Thank you for your kind words, phone calls, emails and texts. You made my heart hurt less, which makes my brain able to think rationally.
I was naive, childish, and gullible, not listening to my head when faced with truth. I do not plan to be so foolish again.
I appreciate your friendship and thoughtfulness.
This isn't really a post to be commented on. It probably isn't a post you even would want to read. If you want to just stop reading now, I understand.
I am an idiot. I did something so ignorant that I cannot even bear to think about it. It is beyond embarrassment. It is well beyond something that I would have thought was so out of character that I cannot believe I not only started doing it but I continued.
I hurt myself.
I hurt my family.
I found out I really do not have the friends I thought I did.
I hurt others who I do not even know.
Why? Because I am stupid. I wanted something so much that I would have done anything, moved any mountain, sold anything I own, lied to everyone, been someone I do not even recognize, to obtain this idyllic place.
And, it was all a mirage! Ha. That is the kicker. I knew it was probably a one act play, but I still played along, waiting for the standing ovation at the end. Instead I was merely an audience member watching someone else acting with me as the dupe in the audience.
I know this is vague. I know it makes no sense to more than a handful of people on the Earth, but I had to write this, in an area which is my own and private, to chastise myself on my foolishness, and to make myself accountable that I'll never allow anything like this to happen again. Even if I have to not have friends or anyone close to me again, I'll never allow myself to be here, in this wretched place of unhappiness and pain.
Today hug yourself. Give yourself some love, some encouragement that you are going to be ok no matter how bad the present seems. I'm going to do likewise, and pray that I really am going to be fine.
It's midnight. I'm lying in bed. My head aches. My stomach is upset. I'm so tired I'd like to sleep until 2020, but sleep won't come because too many things weigh heavy on my heart and mind. So, yeah, now my heart hurts, too.
TL DR: Basically it's a crappy night.
I hear Newby clickity-clacking into my room after his last trip outside. He comes to my bedside, puts his little paws on my bed, and nudges my arm. I pick him up. Instead of going to his normal spot to cover his head and go to sleep, he snuggles next to me, puts his paw on my leg, then lets loose a big sigh... and all is well.
Troubles disappear until the morning. Head still aches, but rubbing his fur seems to ease the tension. Stomach settles down as the stress fades away. And sleep starts creeping it's way over me...
"All is well tonight, Momma.. I'll watch over you until the dawn. The problems might still be there tomorrow, but tonight I'll keep their memories away from you."
And tenuous peace has been called at the Pennington Farm, with cat and dog putting away their nuclear weapons (aka pee and poop stink bombs) and are working together for a lasting accord.
I can't tell you much about this... other than I bought it last Friday and it's still alive. In my house, with mighty jaws on patrol, having a squeaker that squeaks after his first play time is amazing.
I am not sure how the video will show... I started videotaping in one direction then changed up. But he is SOOOO adorable I cannot help but show off his surly grouchy grrr when you try and take his toy away.
Dixie has totally forgotten she is a wonderful dachshundy dog and wants to be a cat. She loves the taste of the cat food we get for the outside cats. She has taken to spending hours "on guard" to make sure no other dogs get the food. *Not likely*
I think we need an intervention.
I told you about the feral cats... and we named them (Crawford, Khan, Tiger Lily, Palpatine and Weasley).... and we feed them... and all that.
Well, here is Palpatine, or Tina depending on her sex. She only lets you near when you have food, unlike Tiger Lily who seems to likes people.
Thought you'd like to see more of the menagerie.
I've been cooking... a lot... I have shared a few on Facebook, but thought I would make you hungry this morning, too, Blogville!
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| Homemade tomato soup with honey mustard grilled chicken sandwich |
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| Buffalo Flatbread Pizza |
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| Burgers on homemade pretzel buns with loaded baked potato dip and chips |
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| BLT Salad |
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| Chicken Caesar Sandwiches with seasoned fries |
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| Southwestern Salad |
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| Chocolate Pie (my first.. ever.. I don't like making desserts) |
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| Chicken Cordon Bleu Sandwiches |
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| Big breakfast during College Game Day |
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| Fried Pickles with ranch dressing |
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| Country Fried Pork Steak with corn and mashed potatoes (the biggest comfort food offering ever) |
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| Potato Pancakes from the left over mashed potatoes above |
