This isn't really a post to be commented on. It probably isn't a post you even would want to read. If you want to just stop reading now, I understand.
I am an idiot. I did something so ignorant that I cannot even bear to think about it. It is beyond embarrassment. It is well beyond something that I would have thought was so out of character that I cannot believe I not only started doing it but I continued.
I hurt myself.
I hurt my family.
I found out I really do not have the friends I thought I did.
I hurt others who I do not even know.
Why? Because I am stupid. I wanted something so much that I would have done anything, moved any mountain, sold anything I own, lied to everyone, been someone I do not even recognize, to obtain this idyllic place.
And, it was all a mirage! Ha. That is the kicker. I knew it was probably a one act play, but I still played along, waiting for the standing ovation at the end. Instead I was merely an audience member watching someone else acting with me as the dupe in the audience.
I know this is vague. I know it makes no sense to more than a handful of people on the Earth, but I had to write this, in an area which is my own and private, to chastise myself on my foolishness, and to make myself accountable that I'll never allow anything like this to happen again. Even if I have to not have friends or anyone close to me again, I'll never allow myself to be here, in this wretched place of unhappiness and pain.
Today hug yourself. Give yourself some love, some encouragement that you are going to be ok no matter how bad the present seems. I'm going to do likewise, and pray that I really am going to be fine.
10 comments:
Oh goodness Miss Shelle! We somehow know that you're gonna pick yourself up from the ashes and rise again. You are strong and we know you can do it. Sometimes we all are knuckleheads but we can ALWAYS learn from our mistakes. It takes a tough person to admit their mistakes!
We're here for you always!
Hugs,
Lily Belle & Muffin
I've been thinking about you and wondered where you were. I remembered that you were taking a break but it recently dawned on me that you had not come back yet.
I hope the new year will turn out better for you than you have alluded to here. I'm so sorry to hear you are not doing well but I would like to think that whatever has happened you have started on your way to forgiving yourself so that others can forgive you too.
Cindy
WE are Glad to hear from you... no matter what the reason. YOU are our FUREND and we CARE about our FURENDS.
What EVER it WAS...it is in the PAST... WhatEVER it WAS... LOVE can make it BETTER.
We wish you the most FABULOUS NEW YEAR.
HUGS from the HILL. WARM CARING LOVING HUGS.
We missed your sense of humor and how you truly knew and understood the mind of your Dachshunds. W will be back
Hugs
Madi and mom
You know that saying " there by the grace of God go I" well I know I for one have made some doozy's of mistakes, sometimes I even go back down those horrible memory lanes just do punish myself a little more, the hardest person in the whole world to love is ourselves, and the hardest to forgive.
Hugs
Stella Roses Momma
Frankie said it all. It is in the past and there it shall remain. A new year approaches and hope and opportunity comes with it. Look to the future. Your friends are here for you.
Best wishes Molly
We are here for you Miss Shelle!
I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. Big boxer kisses to you!
Mom Kim here - I too have given myself the title of idiot too many times - in the distant past and more recent. I have hurt others only to satisfy my own selfish desires and what I thought was true only to find out just the opposite. But yes, like Frankie said - it is in the PAST - done and overwith and there is nothing anyone can do to change that (I am still trying to live up to this). Knowing that a New Year will be here in a couple of days - that is the direction to go now. We cannot change the past - it is gone although there are still things I know I wish I could go back and redo but I can't. All I can do is focus on the future - that is what I can have a say in what changes.
I know all of Blogville is here for you - we do listen. Just let go of that past (easier said then done - I know). If it helps, get a little box and on a piece of paper write down the word PAST and maybe a few of the other words you used in this post. Then, put that piece of paper in the box and then take a hammer to that box if you are mad about this stuff or if you just want to "get rid" of it then take it out and bury it in the yard - dig a hole as deep as you can and then plant some grass seed on top or some pretty flowers - kind of a symbol, out of that ugly past something beautiful has sprouted.
Ok - now I'm starting to sound a little sappy so will stop - need to get bak to work anyway.
Mom Kim
A new year approaches and you should try and think of it as a new beginning as well. What's in the past should stay in the past. You have so many friends out here, many of which may just be cyber friends. But you and I and the pups have all met in person. Remember, I'm here if you need anything, even if it's just a long-distance hug.
Post a Comment