Thank you for your kind words, phone calls, emails and texts. You made my heart hurt less, which makes my brain able to think rationally.
I was naive, childish, and gullible, not listening to my head when faced with truth. I do not plan to be so foolish again.
I appreciate your friendship and thoughtfulness.
This isn't really a post to be commented on. It probably isn't a post you even would want to read. If you want to just stop reading now, I understand.
I am an idiot. I did something so ignorant that I cannot even bear to think about it. It is beyond embarrassment. It is well beyond something that I would have thought was so out of character that I cannot believe I not only started doing it but I continued.
I hurt myself.
I hurt my family.
I found out I really do not have the friends I thought I did.
I hurt others who I do not even know.
Why? Because I am stupid. I wanted something so much that I would have done anything, moved any mountain, sold anything I own, lied to everyone, been someone I do not even recognize, to obtain this idyllic place.
And, it was all a mirage! Ha. That is the kicker. I knew it was probably a one act play, but I still played along, waiting for the standing ovation at the end. Instead I was merely an audience member watching someone else acting with me as the dupe in the audience.
I know this is vague. I know it makes no sense to more than a handful of people on the Earth, but I had to write this, in an area which is my own and private, to chastise myself on my foolishness, and to make myself accountable that I'll never allow anything like this to happen again. Even if I have to not have friends or anyone close to me again, I'll never allow myself to be here, in this wretched place of unhappiness and pain.
Today hug yourself. Give yourself some love, some encouragement that you are going to be ok no matter how bad the present seems. I'm going to do likewise, and pray that I really am going to be fine.
